Tuesday, 28 July 2009

The wrong way to buy deodorant

So am in a hurry: I have to get across town for a gig. But I need some deodorant, as I have run out. I pop into a newsagent. For environmental reasons/some Byzantine hangover from trying to impress Deb/hatred of the smell of Lynx set to fundamental acknowledgement of the fact I'd probably end up buying Lynz, I use roll on, not spray on.


So anyway, options are slender. There are three female roll-ons, one male.

I know what I should do.

But I am paralyzed.

There is nothing on the packaging of the male deodorant that says what it smells of. It just says 'male'.

I stare at it angrily.

I am going to be manipulated into the purchase of this for no reason other than I am male and it says 'male'.

I mean, should I be standing up to something here? I mean, really? REALLY? This is all I base my notional olfactory signature on? That it says 'male' and I am male? Why don't I just pick up one of the female ones? I'm a vegetarian and I eat meat flavoured crisps in the knowledge it's all basically a load of bullshit, why can't I buy a female deodorant? AM I AN IDIOT?

Then I start to think about how when I got to Boots or Superdrug or whatever, then I DO have choice, and that choice is not really a choice. Africa or Inca? I mean, the Incas likely didn't smell great, in Africa deodorant is a luxury - there's no suggestion that the name is going to convey anything. I just opt for whatever name I like the most. So in many ways opting to buy something that doesn't offer any choice and can't even be arsed to apply a fancy and entirely spurious name is me opting out of a system. Maybe.

Or maybe I have now stood in a shop for at least two minutes trying to formulate a discourse justifying why it is okay for me to buy this particular brand of inexpensive hygiene product.

Yes, that is it. I buy the deodorant. But I am not happy.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Google search: "Oasis are legends"

Oasis are legends in their own mind. Yeah, of course, the first two albums were rather great...but not that great. Good pleasant indie stompers, eh? (www.drownedinsound.com)

who does'nt noel gallagher slag off! he's an arsehole,needs to learn to shut his gob one day!! fair enuff,oasis are legends and have been around for ages (www.nme.com)

last nite was the best gig ever oasis are legends and will never die. live forever. Mike [Visitor] (www.nme.com)

its true oasis, it sold the least for a reason... it wasnt poppy and mainstream which is a damn good thing. OASIS are legends (blogcritics.org)

So are Papa Roach with a mint new song! woooooooo :D btw Oasis are legends! :D (www.cybergadgies.com)

ive sang it on karaoke is astonishing. my favourite song by far. oasis are legends to promote this song and ill hail their every movement for doing so (www.everyhype.com)


Greenday are a fuckin joke. Oasis are legends unlike those wannabe punk cunts. stuartyboy121285 (www.youtube.com)

Oasis are legends! Noel gallagher is one of the greatest song writers alive he is totally awsum!!! Posted by: Holly (www.q4music.com)

I love this song! Oasis are legends! (www.myspace.com)

Oasis are Legends , they shouldnt need to jump round and try keep a crowd happy (www.facebook.com)

north south divide **** it oasis are legends and southern **** will nick your gals what ever the divide. (uk.eurosport.yahoo.com)

It's great to get an endorsement like that off someone like Liam because he's pretty credible and Oasis are legends (www.dailymail.co.uk)

Shiners09: oasis are legends...that bloke deserves to have his face kicked in for nearly pushin noel off the stage. (www.noelgallagher.co.uk)

Noel Gallagher is the greatest man ever and deserves to be knighted. Oasis are legends. (www.myspace.com)

I hope it's a self titled album. Because I think it will blow people away more than even this one! Oasis are legends (www.amazon.com)

Oasis are legends. I still listen to Whats the Story regularly years after first buying it. (www.ents24.com)

OASIS are legends and they deserved the lifetime outstanding contribution award cause they are that damn good! you gotta roll with it (www.scotsman.com)

Oasis are legends and deserve every bit of fame and money they have. (www.brifta.gs)

oasis are legends wether you hate them or not. they have made influential albums, theyre album was second to the beatles lonely hearts club in top 10 albums (www.prefixmag.com)

You have a good time in Slane? Aw what a class day..didn't want it to end! Oasis are legends! hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (www.kingsofleon.com)

Oasis are legends, and I have been following them for years now - and Snow Patrol! Their tunes are the soundtrack to some amazing memories near and far (www.goodhopefm.co.za)

Oasis rules, get with it, America, but i think we have now, Oasis are legends, the most rocking, craziest band ever...they rule!!!!!!!!!!!! (www.amazon.com)

dazmein: i guess you like bands like the saturdays you knob noel and oasis are legends. (www.noelgallagher.com)

Oasis are legends, arctic monkeys, hard-fi, Kaiser chiefs, Kasabian, Keane, the killers, the kooks, snow patrol, maroon 5, take that (www.bebo.com)

ah lucky u id say it was unreal..i shud have went to that concert myself oasis are legends. (www.bebo.com)

Swine Flu Fail

Bleh.

I mean, it's not like everyone was exactly petrified by the thing in the first place. Sure there were people dying in Mexico a bit, but really... I mean REALLY... the original Spanish Influenza outbreak seems to generally be regarded as a sort of interesting bit of trivia - did you KNOW more people died of it than did in the Great War? Yeah? FUCKING PUSSIES WHO COULDN'T EVEN BE ARSED TO DIE IN A FUTILE POCKET OF CARTRIDGE-SODDEN FRENCH MUD - and this is like, well a) it's flu, pah, rubbish, just a cold for people causing a scene and b) it's got 'swine' in the title, it's not like some sort of alien death pox that causes flesh eating larvae the size of dogs to spew forth from one's eyeballs. Unless you're so blithely coddled as to believe physical violence and cancer are literally the only things capable of killing you, then you will have essentially sussed this is a cold with bells on. Oh, and also let's not forget how UTTERLY shit Bird Flu was, the Millennium Bug of global pandemics. I mean. More money must have actually been spend working out it existed than actually having to treat anyone. Rubbish.

Anyway, then there was a sort of lull, where we worried about MPs' expenses, and then it finally made it over here, and, like, fuck, if anything it's actually less effectual than expected. I was out with Flea the other night and her housemate had Swine Flu and I was about 80 per cent joking when I said 'I'm not going to touch you, I'm going to get Swine Flu'. There was hugging. Did I get it? NO. Has she even come down with it? Nope. Fuck, I can't even exploit it for journalistic purposes - some lucky bastard at The Times has definitely had it and written about it, probably plenty of others besides.

If this was a film half the population of the country would be DEAD by now, dead and dead with an appropriate amount of drama, DEAD and twitching suspiciously as they prepared to reanimate as something awful and of alarm to the other half of the country. As it is it's just rubbish, the only story is 'death still possible, as it turns out', a nation of people completely unbothered by regular influenza getting half-heartedly worried about the odds of them getting poorly mildly increasing.

I'm beginning to worry that I'm not going to see the Apocalypse. That'd piss me off.

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Friday nights with Ward and Lukowski

So on Wednesday my friend Flea (not THAT Flea) takes me to this bar in Soho. It is awesome, like a sort of shabby member's club down some anonymous steps. Even pretty cheap for Soho. I spend the next 48 hours telling people how good it is.

Come Friday me and Ward happen to be drinking in Soho, like the two cocks of the walk that we are.

Ward suggests we get some tinnies in and throw them at the people on the plinth in Trafalgar Square. This was, in retrospect, the right suggestion. But I, filled with piss and vinegar and the desire to share this new bar with the world, insist we head to a place I envisage to become a regular town centre haunt.

The following is more a paraphrase than a transcript, but is basically accurate.

Ward comes back from bar. He is angry, but then he is always angry

Ward: Fucking bar woman. Fuck fuck fuck. I fucking watched her make our drinks and she didn't fucking put any fucking spirits in them. So said so and asked her to taste them and she just got really angry with me and said she was pregnant, so I didn't fucking pay for them. Fuck fuck.
Me: Oh. Well I'll just go over and order again.
Ward: Fuck. Okay. Fuck.

I walk to the bar, and rather foolishly make EXACTLY the same order

Barwoman: [brightly] Oh, actually I have some of those pre-made! [pulls out what are obviously the drinks from before]
Me: Oh, I think I'd rather you made me some new ones if that's okay.
Barwoman: You're with HIM, aren't you?
Me: Um, no, I really don't know what you're talking about, is it okay if I get some new ones.

The barwoman sulkily makes them, this time adding spirits

Me: Thankyou!

The barwoman slams my change down, furiously. I rejoin Mark. He is scribbling notes on pieces of paper saying something like 'this place is shit'

Ward: [sipping his drink] This is fucking weak.
Me: Oh, it's okay. At least we got served.

The manager walks over, looks at Ward's notes, grabs our drinks and furiously tells us to get out, more or less hauling Ward bodily with the aid of a rather apologetic bouncer. I sort of vaguely try to reason with them/get my drink back, but the manager has worked himself up into one of those irrational rages where he simply won't engage. Which seems to more or less be the hiring policy of this place

Me: Fuck.
Bouncer: I'm really sorry.
Ward: [On phone] Hello, police? Yeah, I've been assualted.
Me: Hmm.
Ward: Right. I've called the fucking police, they can't fucking do that.
Me: Yeah, they're kind of dicks. Though the bouncer is quite apologetic.
Ward: Can you punch me in the back?
Me: Sure [punches Ward in back]. Why?
Ward: Need bruises for when the police arrive.
Me: Um.

Time elapses. The manager comes out and sort of growls at us from a distance at one point. Mark calls the police back

Ward: [on phone] Yeah, alright, well I'll be coming into Stoke Newington police station tomorrow to make a complaint.

We head home, bar duly ruined

TEXT LOG NEXT DAY

Me - MW: So how was the police station?
MW - me: Just about to head over there...
Me - MW: Brilliant! Can't believe you're honestly going to do this!
MW - me: Yeah, I feel like chickening out but they were so unjustifiably cuntish
MW - me: Massive waste of time. You can't make a complaint unless you file for assault, which I'm not going to do. Oh well.
MW - me: Predicatbly the barbecue I was going to has been cancelled. Where are you and McD? I'm ready to kill some braincells.