Monday, 27 July 2009

Swine Flu Fail


I mean, it's not like everyone was exactly petrified by the thing in the first place. Sure there were people dying in Mexico a bit, but really... I mean REALLY... the original Spanish Influenza outbreak seems to generally be regarded as a sort of interesting bit of trivia - did you KNOW more people died of it than did in the Great War? Yeah? FUCKING PUSSIES WHO COULDN'T EVEN BE ARSED TO DIE IN A FUTILE POCKET OF CARTRIDGE-SODDEN FRENCH MUD - and this is like, well a) it's flu, pah, rubbish, just a cold for people causing a scene and b) it's got 'swine' in the title, it's not like some sort of alien death pox that causes flesh eating larvae the size of dogs to spew forth from one's eyeballs. Unless you're so blithely coddled as to believe physical violence and cancer are literally the only things capable of killing you, then you will have essentially sussed this is a cold with bells on. Oh, and also let's not forget how UTTERLY shit Bird Flu was, the Millennium Bug of global pandemics. I mean. More money must have actually been spend working out it existed than actually having to treat anyone. Rubbish.

Anyway, then there was a sort of lull, where we worried about MPs' expenses, and then it finally made it over here, and, like, fuck, if anything it's actually less effectual than expected. I was out with Flea the other night and her housemate had Swine Flu and I was about 80 per cent joking when I said 'I'm not going to touch you, I'm going to get Swine Flu'. There was hugging. Did I get it? NO. Has she even come down with it? Nope. Fuck, I can't even exploit it for journalistic purposes - some lucky bastard at The Times has definitely had it and written about it, probably plenty of others besides.

If this was a film half the population of the country would be DEAD by now, dead and dead with an appropriate amount of drama, DEAD and twitching suspiciously as they prepared to reanimate as something awful and of alarm to the other half of the country. As it is it's just rubbish, the only story is 'death still possible, as it turns out', a nation of people completely unbothered by regular influenza getting half-heartedly worried about the odds of them getting poorly mildly increasing.

I'm beginning to worry that I'm not going to see the Apocalypse. That'd piss me off.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Famous last words, we'll read this out at your funeral!